People are short, I am short.
—This article is all negative energy, please observe with discretion—
Writing these words is just a way to ease the feelings of wanting to die again, while also feeling anxious about the new, endless, and soon-to-begin state of life.
It's also been a long time since I wrote an article, and the recent update of the website registration reminded me that I still have a website.
By the way, I took a look (purely in jest) at my "extremely boring" year-end summary from New Year's Day 2024, one word, absolute (a classic scene from Stephen Chow's films GIF).
Weariness of Work#
It has been 4 months since the last change in my life timeline, and recently I often feel unable to distinguish between the boundaries of the virtual and the real. There could be many reasons: a sweet tooth, smoking (just started), indulgence in pleasures, and a steadily gaining weight.
My emotions have become increasingly depressed, and I can't muster any interest. When I first joined the company, there was a sense of freshness, but just 3 weeks of office work can crush a person. A lot of repetitive, meaningless, formalistic yet somewhat standard-required paperwork, making repeated mistakes, facing repeated criticism, and repeatedly disappointing those who care about me.
It might be a brief transitional period, or it might indicate that the system and private enterprises, like state-owned enterprises (central enterprises), are meaningless, like boiling a frog in warm water.
People always say the world is a makeshift stage, but it seems I haven't made any name for myself on this makeshift stage either.
Self-Denial#
At that time, during my first and only session with a psychologist, I said that I have no bottom line; if I truly enter the system, I would disregard my dignity and have no bottom line to climb up. But at the moment, when opportunities arise to show myself, I am suppressed by my so-called dignity and lack of ability.
Everything is hard at the beginning, then hard in the middle, and finally hard at the end. Currently, this beginning is not very good; the environment, location, unit, and personnel are all acceptable, and the overall hardware conditions can reach 83 points. However, it seems that the biggest shackles are the system and social connections, which means that achieving a personal performance score of over 90 points is absolutely a leap across classes, a threshold that is several magnitudes apart, and the pinnacle of most people's lives.
When talking about most people, there is always a feeling of laying the groundwork, finding excuses for one's own weakness and incompetence. It also reminds me of another little episode, where I drunkenly confessed to someone, a pretentious person who likes to preach motivational quotes. Although it ended awkwardly with a two-day delay using nationality as an excuse, I managed to escape a disaster.
Helplessness Towards Nationality#
Regarding feelings, there is now only one issue: nationality. I always say externally that I have fought for it or resisted it, but in reality, it has all been predetermined by my parents since birth. I really don't know how to change it; it's the most helpless episode.
Now the distance between my workplace and home is neither far nor near, quite awkward. My parents may also know that for the most part, I am not in control of the situation, and they have hinted with phrases like, "Since the distance is so close, I hope not to hear about your issues in this regard from others."
Disappointment in Relationships#
People are always attracted to power, capability, and mystery.
The allure of mystery is most fully reflected in relationships. Every time I initially meet a member of the opposite sex, as long as they are not unattractive or behave inappropriately, they can always generate a curious attraction. However, once contact is made, a few things can quickly dispel the charm, making them "just like everyone else." (This statement may sound condescending; I hope no feminist peers see it.)
Serious Criticism of My Tendency to Avoid Change, Stay in My Comfort Zone, Reluctance to Lose Weight, Reluctance to Exercise, Reluctance to Improve Myself, and Indifference to Others' Opinions While Just Coasting Through Life#
I don't like to set flags anymore; things like "when xx happens, I will xx" never get done. Less self-deception, more clarity, and more effort.
Hmm? What effort?
(Actually, writing this down and reading it a few times can greatly improve my mood; perhaps this is what is known in psychology as "emotional catharsis.")
As a side note, the above text attempts to use DeepSeek to analyze inappropriate logic, and the examples provided are extremely complex. Emmmm, I suggest reconsidering.