Although the end of the year is nothing special, the atmosphere of bidding farewell to the old and welcoming the new always makes people unable to resist reflecting on whether they are satisfied with their performance in the past year.
In the early morning, I read many year-end summary articles and videos from various bloggers, which were very interesting. One sentence that left a deep impression on me was, "Only those who don't live well will summarize." In some ways, this statement is not wrong. Humans are truly interesting creatures.
There are too many things that I have come to terms with and cannot come to terms with, so I will only record the major changes.
The most satisfying change in my thinking this year is that I truly felt my own existence: I am breathing, I am gasping for breath, and I can do whatever I want (within the limits of the law and social norms), although when I said this to my girlfriend, or rather, my ex-girlfriend, late at night, I was inevitably laughed at.
I feel that I have "grown up," which is a change that occurs every year. This year, it may be slightly stronger, but at this time next year, will I laugh at myself now and think, "I was so foolish back then"? I don't have an answer for now. Humans are truly interesting creatures.
Realizing my own existence is something that instantly excites and frustrates me. I am excited because I suddenly realize my own existence and have goals to strive for, but I am frustrated because I realized it too late.
The Meaning of Being Alone#
After experiencing the collapse of family, romantic, and friendship relationships, I have less emotional dependence.
Humans are social animals, and it is impossible for me to live alone, regardless of life or death, hiding in deep mountains and forests, or staying in remote areas where I am unfamiliar with the world1, cutting off all desires and emotions. I cannot do it, nor do I like it.
I enjoy the company of others. This realization came to me when I resigned and traveled2 through several popular provincial capitals in central China and a woman asked me why I didn't choose to go to Xinjiang.
However, being sociable and being alone are not contradictory. When I say "being alone," I mean finding spiritual fulfillment while physically being alone.
This is a variable that can change greatly and sounds extremely "naive."
As for marriage, it is because I cannot accept being with someone who is not suitable for me. I may be arrogant, but being a husband and father is far more difficult than having a deep connection with someone but keeping others at a distance (referring specifically to two exes, the expression may differ, but the general meaning is similar).
Looking at it superficially, I don't care about anyone for now, I only care about my own likes and dislikes. Looking deeper, humans are independent individuals and cannot control others' opinions.
Therefore, as someone with a scientific background, I choose to place my love in the emotional "fate."
As for having children, it's simple. If I can't raise them well, then I won't have them. The only thing that makes me somewhat apprehensive is that if I don't have children, my relationship with my parents in the future will be even more unsatisfactory.
DINK (Double Income, No Kids) is a term that has been around for many years and seems feasible in the current environment, but I still don't have an answer for now.
Humans are truly interesting creatures.
Consistency and Adaptability#
I have one advantage, which is forced upon me, and that is I never regret major decisions.
I don't regret quitting my job abruptly twice, nor do I regret any of my past relationships.
When remembering and summarizing things, I tend to focus on the positive aspects because I need consistency3, even if it is completely different from how others see it.
But what does it matter? I am, and will continue to be, alone. I only need to satisfy my subconscious.
Adaptability was originally a neutral term, starting from Apple users tolerating or accepting the flaws of Apple, but it gradually acquired a negative connotation, referring to blind pursuit or worship.
For me, adaptability means compromise, not concession.
In terms of political awareness, my definition of adaptability is closely following but not getting involved, not getting caught in the whirlpool of political ideologies, and not being a narrow-minded person who only listens to one side4.
In terms of social relationships, my definition of adaptability is that my attitude towards others strictly depends on their attitude. Within a certain positive or negative range, I am neither proactive nor indifferent.
In life, my definition of adaptability is that I will never treat work as the absolute priority in life like my good friend does. After all, the world is just a stage, and it doesn't matter what kind of work you do.
Some Simple Things to Brag About#
This year, I started using Douban again to keep track of my movie-watching and reading progress. With a lot of free time after resigning, I spent most of it watching movies. The current experience can be summarized as follows:
- Old movies are most likely better than new ones.
- The charm of the actors' roles is more interesting than the plot.
- Bullet comments greatly affect the movie-watching experience.
Nothing is perfect, just like how I can't remember some of my thoughts when drafting this. So, let's end it here.
I don't want to summarize a year of joys and sorrows with just a few words, nor do I want to set ambitious goals like I did a few years ago.
I don't expect to reach the state of unity between knowledge and action directly, but I will do good deeds without asking about the future.
Let's encourage each other with those who have read this.
Humans are truly interesting creatures.
This usage is incorrect, but I can't think of a more appropriate idiom. ↩
The modern internet term for resigning and traveling is "gap time." ↩
The use of "consistency" in this context naturally came from a comment left by a sister I admire in my circle of friends in Kunming. ↩
Specifically refers to actively following Teacher Li's posts on Twitter without liking, retweeting, or commenting, and not discussing it offline. ↩